.demented and loving it.

so it’s official. as of 1pm this afternoon… i am no longer a member of trinity college’s yearbook committee. i’ve had months to toss over my decision, and the boys have been getting an earful about how imminent this departure was. but saying it out loud for the first time today… not something i was prepared for. because some part of me somewhere was screaming disappointment. screaming with all its might that i had given up too soon. that i had given up at all.

but also for the first time, i have things that i need to do. things that are making me choose between what i know and what i want. so for now… the yearbook and all it entails (god i loved the ‘head of writing’ title i got!) needs to take a backseat.

HOWEVER…

my writing gene is running frantic! literally, round and round with somersaults and hurdles! I NEED TO WRITE SOMETHING! sure i have assignments up to my forehead… but i STILL NEED to write something. i feel like i’m suffocating! ;p

mom’s the artistic one. she can pick out any colour and name it by tone and code. hafiz is the same. the amount of paintings and drawings and creations (and i mean GOOD ones) that he makes on a weekly basis is enough to fill an art gallery on its own. me… i’m kind of the lost sheep ;p i write… ALOT. but since the hype of form 4 and form 5, i’ve stopped. and just like everything else in life… lack of practise goes a long way.

i’ve been building up all these things that i want to put on paper… things that have been bugging the hell out of me the past few months. but everytime i try to write it out… i can’t start. for my stories, the endings come to me before the beginnings even present itself. for my poems, i can’t even categorise my thoughts long enough to paragraph them.

i’m having an artistic migrain and i’m waiting for it to explode… atleast by then… it’ll reduce the pressure on my brain… ;p

my latest blog entries have gotten a few people worried… and honestly that was NOT my intention! i’m so sorry! (jacqui… i’m fine okay! don’t worry about me ;p). writing has just always been my way out. with all the craziness that’s been happening, the thought of conjuring up poems and ‘creative’ expressions of my problems gave me a migrain. sometimes it’s better to say what you mean… formalities aside. it heals the wounds faster ;p

so ANYWAY…

before you start getting exasperated at the complex nature of my blog titles lately, know that this one isn’t as depressing as it sounds. in fact… i think it’s the most upbeat-happy-’i-wanna-sing-from-the-rooftops’ kind of news i’ve shared in a long while! and to do the title justice, it involved a night out… and… drama

for all of you who’ve remained innocent by Trinity’s standards, drama is a compulsory subject over here. taking up 30% of our overall english grade (now before you go, "what the f!@#"… know that the remaining 70% goes to english literature… now you can say it ;p). now let me spell this out for those of you who do not know:

I HATE ACTING!

but unfortunately… you gotta do what you gotta do right? i tried to stay true to my principles (my "i-don’t-give-a-s!@#" principle that is), and decided to forgo drama in the first term. messing it up royally… i received (in true katyana fashion) the lowest drama grade in class. granted that it was a ‘mime’… and i haven’t been THAT silent since i was a fetus… but it got me thinking. whether i liked it or not, i had to suck it up, and deal with it… or my entrance grade would suffer. so when the next term assignment arrived (the mime didn’t count… this one did!) and we each had to present a monolague… i dealt with it. and got full marks while doing it ;p (feel free to laugh… i did ;p)

so my wonderful friends decided that it was time for payback. all semester they had to put up with me complaining about how i hated the subject and how i was gonna mess it up… and then see me get 10/10… THAT messed a few people up. namely: Joel Lee ;p

now joel is a drama genius. or an ‘artsy-fartsy boy’ as he likes to call himself. a future architecture student, joel seems to embrace his artictic side without hesitation (he got a freaking 9 for his mime!). so when the monolague came… you can imagine joel’s annoyance of me ;p in his words "tak guna punya budak! bising! kata tak boleh buat! kata tak suka… hmph… pas tu dapat 10!" (yes… joel curses in malay… ;p) hehehehe

so when our drama teachers announced the the school was giving free tickets to the screening of this play at the Victorian Arts Centre in the city, joel grabbed 7 tickets and told me i had no choice but to go along. to make things even more ‘pleasant’… he suggested that we all dress up for the occasion. the boys (joel, kevin, mark and eugene lee) donned on shirts, whilst the girls (me, jacqueline and ai lynn) had to muster up the GIRLIEST pieces of clothing we owned.

the play was cool… but the thought that that was what my drama teacher expected of me for this semester made me cringe. but on the flipside… we all got a night out. the week was long an painful… each of us having to suffer in the collection of papers. last night was a welcomed relief ;p

we decided to walk home from the theatre… which for those of you in melbourne will acknowledge to be BLOODY far. but for the first time, we got to see the city at night from Yarra River. the skyline was awesome… despite the fact that we were freezing to death ;p we grabbed some dinnner at macdonald’s (and took some ridiculously embarassing videos too ;p), walked ai lynn home (took more ridiculous videos ;p) before heading home ourselves. we walked a total of approximately 20 blocks yesterday, but it was worth it!

that was the most fun i’ve had in a while. it didn’t take much (apart from aching knees and feet), but it made me forget all the problems and issues i was dealing with. it’s funny how no matter how alone you feel… or how alone you REALLY are, in a place and in a life that you’ve never known, it takes only a few people to make it feel LESS painful. to say that they replace the ones you’ve left behind is overstating it… but instead they bridge something different. to know that they’re there, experiencing it with you everyday, is something that i wouldn’t trade. something that has had made me being here… better than that i thought it would be ;p

joel makes me laugh so much my stomach hurts everyday… eventhough we’re usually laughing AT him and not WITH him. kevin understands my ‘corruptedness’ and can read my mind so well i don’t even have to say it out loud or tell him how i’m feeling for him to call me or creak a smile… which then makes me smile too. jacq-jacq is so innocent in her views of the world and the psychotics of teenagers that seeing everything with her… is like seeing the world for the first time. and mark understands… me, knowing exactly when to call and what to say when i’m falling apart… reminding me that it’s okay to fall once and a while… as long as you get back up again. they’re grades aren’t half bad too (call it a benchmark ;p).

so after 5 months of being here… i can actually say it:

i’m okay.

i’m happy.

and i’m gonna make it ;p

notice how if you shuffle the words around and take a few out, you can actually spell ‘pain’ from ‘disappointments’? infact, you can also spell ‘piss’, ‘paint’ and ‘point’… but we’re running off topic here… ;p

life is full of disappointments. i don’t have to be 18, cold and annoyed to know that much. it’s like they say, "when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade". what they don’t say is that you actually wanted peaches to make a cobler but hey… symantics rite?

i can’t help but be disappointed with myself. despite having already kicked in… my new philosphy hasn’t been doing a very good job at ridding that part of the equation. since the moment i got here… 98 has been the only number i wanted to see. problem is i’ve been seeing it… but in reverse. under normal circumstances, that would be great. infact, it would be more than great! but somehow i find myself wondering what went wrong.

i got my HOI essay and psychology paper back today. 17/20 and 30/35 respectively. want to put me in a straight-jacket yet? i feel like i’ve been split in two. one part of me is happy… whilst the other is running frantic. the happy one is kicking the frantic one in the ass right now… but sometimes the roles seem to switch. and that’s gotten me back here…

writing has been something i’ve supressed for a while. honestly, i don’t know why. i swore to myself when i decided to do medicine, that i would write for the rest of my life… regardless. but i’ve stopped… and i’ve felt horrible since. putting my problems on paper, seeing them disappear as the words materialise… writing has been my salvation all my life. my solace. the only place where i can’t get hurt. can’t be reached. can’t be disappointed.

ian reminded me of that today. as my psychology tutor he’s only seen me write once… but somehow it was enough for him. he told me that writing was something i didn’t have to worry about. that it was my strength. i think that’s the first time i’ve heard that word since i’ve been here. everywhere i look, people seem to be looking for faults. they pick you up, turn you upside down and empty your pockets from weaknesses. then they pick up your faults, and frame it for all to see. ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the world of competitive academics!

mom says i put too many yardsticks for myself. and when i don’t fulfill them, i beat myself up about it… without the need for influence. that’s what i’ve been about all this while. finding the yardsticks and expectations that other people unconsciously made for me… and beating them by a mile. been trying to do that lately… but this time the expectations are my own… thus the disappointment is my own.

i’m trying to be happy with what i’ve got. and i know i’ll get to where i need to go. it’s just that sometimes when i’m not any of those things… i’m back to where i started… and THAT is disappointing.

at the title alone… i have michael’s voice ringing in my ears, "yana! i feed you soap then you know!" hehehe… ;p

the name of my new philosophy: f!@# that.

(note: censhorship applied for younger and more innocent readers ;p)

i know that it isn’t the most ‘politically correct’ thing to say, but i don’t know how else to say it. today for the first time in my entire life, everything that could have possible gone wrong… went wrong. for the first time in my entire life, laughing about things and making disasters seem like a joke… no longer made them go away. because for the first time in my entire life… everything was falling apart… and i couldn’t do anything to stop it.

people ask me why i want to be a doctor. the truth is: i have no idea. when i was little, i refused to entertain the notion of medicine. sure i was surrounded by illnesses, but unlike most aspiring medical practisioners it wasn’t enough to motivate me. as far as i was concerned, being responsible for another human being was not a duty i wanted to carry. be it in God’s hands, i didn’t want to be the one who played a role in who lived and who died. even now when i think about it, my reasons for not outweigh my reasons to do.

but to answer that question, why i want to be a doctor, i can only give a simple answer: it’s something i have to do. i wish i could explain it. but have you ever gotten the feeling that there was something that you needed to do? that when you woke up one morning and opened your eyes for the first time in the day, you realised you had a purpose? and that no matter what anyone said, it was like as if it was a calling… and you were willing to do EVERYTHING in your power to make it happen? i know it sounds insane… and today of all days, it sounds almost ridiculous.

i’ve never been a perfect student. i’ve always been the one below them ;p but over here… i have to BE one of them. and i feel like it’s a ladder i’m too tired to climb. all this while i’ve been hanging on to that feeling. the thought that i KNEW that this was something i had to do. that it would be enough. but it wasn’t.

following my term 2 chem results i was told today that medical school would be an impossible option. that even if i managed by some miracle to achieve a perfect score for the remaining exams i would be getting more than 10 marks short of what was required of me. i was quiet for a little while. i laughed for a little while. i even challenged it for a little while. but soon realisation dawned. that no matter how much i wanted it… or no matter how much i knew i had to offer… these papers, these people… where going to stop me from getting there. it was like as if i was in a race, and 50 yards from the finishing line these people turn up and put road blocks all around me.

i came home and cried… as usual. i couldn’t let kevin or mark or joel see me cry ;p (they’d have something on me for ages!) so my dream of getting into medical school by 19 was thrown into the drain. but when i called mom she made it less painful: i could still get my dream of getting into medical school… just by 20 ;p

f!@# that. i’m so tired of people telling me what i am and am not capable of. who the hell are they to know?! who the hell are they to tell me to look elsewhere?! i made it here just like everyone else. each day i stand in the lecture theatres amongst the best of 18 countries. 500 kids in my intake alone. and i’m here too.

f!@# that. whether they believe me or not, i AM getting into Melbourne University’s Medical School (AND graduate!). and after that, i’m going to Harvard Medical School to become a paediatrician (AND graduate!). from today no one is going to tell me otherwise. i’ll get there… one way or the other. it’s like mom said, "you’re going from point A to point B. nobody said that you couldn’t go through point C and point D first." ;p

i still have to meet with my chem tutor on wednesday morning. and God knows what he’s going to say to me… or why he needs 45 minutes to say it. nothing’s going to change what i’ve already gotten. and he isn’t going to make me consider a second option. that is going to be one LONG day ;p

i thank God for the family and friends i’ve got. mom and everyone at home, joel, jacq, kevin and mark over here, spend everyday telling me how much they know i’ll make it (or as mark says, "don’t listen to everyone else!"). i’m sorry guys if it’s felt like as if i wasn’t listening. i just needed to stock it up… so i could make myself believe it first.

it’s going to be long and hard. i know that much. and every night i wished i had the strength and will to make it all the way to the end. now i know i do. just waiting for someone to ask why about that ;p.

so yay! it’s the 1st May 2006, and as of 3:18 this morning, i turned 18. most people were celebrating on my behalf, cause 18’s supposed to be a big deal. right? i mean in most countries (including this one ;p) 18 means, you can drink (and buy in case you were wondering), drive… though hopefully not in that order… club and pretty much do ANYTHING! nah… no biggie turning 18 huh

but as i waited for the clock to strike 12… i was feeling a lot worse than i thought i would. every year by about that time, my room would usually be filled with my family, waiting to wish me happy birthday. not that they showered me with gifts or shed any tears… they just hugged me. and last night… that was all i wanted. by 11:30, when i would usually be jumping around in excitement, i was at my desk finishing my eap assignment in intervals of tears. the last time i cried as a 17-year-old ;p

it dawned on me that no one was coming. i was gonna spend midnight alone. but what bothered me most, was that i REALLY wanted a hug from mom and hafiz. in kl i got loads of those a day. it was like an addiction ;p by coming back to melbourne, it was like as if i stopped cold-turkey.

but just as i was about to cry my way into 18… i heard footsteps at my door. my friends joel, jacqueline and benita were right there at midnight with a chocolate cake and 18 lit candles. though they weren’t as ‘discreet’ as they wanted the surprise to be… it felt amazing the fact that they were there. the cake was gooooood ;p and vanilla ice cream topped it ;p my mom called and wished me happy birthday. got to talk to hafiz after.

the whole day today i was picking up calls from friends and family who remembered today. smses came in at all hours to remind me of my newfound legality ;p it was great! early in the morning a hamper filled with flowers, a teddy bear, chocolates, balloons, another cake and a card came from my mom. it didn’t make up for the fact that i wasn’t at home… but it helped a whole DAMN lot ;p to top the day off my friend andrew treated me to ice cream with michael, joel, jacqueline, benita and sing yee in tow… THEN i had dinner with ridwan ;p so mature of me rite?

so all in all… i’m 18. dunno if i feel any different… but there’s plenty of time for that right? ;p

been back for almost two weeks. couldn’t believe how glad i was to be home. i missed everything… everyone. i told myself that i had two weeks back in civilisation, and i was determined to make it count by seeing as many people as possible.

i head back for melbourne on sunday. the total of friends i have met so far: 3. i feel so guilty the fact that two weeks have shortened itself into a blur of cramped time. there are so many more people to see, but at the same time i feel guilty that i have to sacrifice time at home to do that. how do my cousins do it?! they come home for a little while (granted their stays aren’t as short as mine) but they seem able to be everywhere at once! it’s like as if time slows down for them and they manage to do everything and meet everyone they want with extra time to spare!

i wish i had an extra week here. to hang out with saf, elaine, anya and jacq. to tease fariz about his robocop boots. to catch a movie with hizwan and complain about how we never get to watch movies in melbourne cause it’s so expensive. to harass afiq about his debating addiction. to make life MORE CHAOTIC for yas and iman (i get to do that with wan in melbourne ;p). to spend more time with mom and hafiz, to let them know that i do miss them and hate the fact i’m too far away to be with them through life’s shity stuff. to let my little brother know that i would do anything to be here on sunday to watch him in his first ‘perbarisan’ at sports day.

but as life would have it… i can’t. it’s funny how you go after something you’ve wanted your whole life, and instead of coming out happy… you end up having to sacrifice a lot more than you’re willing to. this marks a whole lot of birthdays and hari rayas on my own. in a place where none of it really matters. or more that no one really notices.

on monday it’s back to college. back to silencing my sadness as i miss home immensely. in that way i thank god for joel and jacqueline and all my friends at trinity. they let you know that it’s okay to feel all that… cause when alone they probably feel it too. just wish that i didn’t have to leave one group of friends to join the other.

so to all my friends in kl who i promised to see and didn’t… I AM SO SO SO SO SORRY. know that i wished so much that i could spread myself thin enough to see all of you before i left, but time played a mean game and i had to go. i’ll be back in june (unfortunately for the same duration) and i’ll forgo sleep to make sure i see you guys okay?

. hug hug .

greetings from melbourne! so i’m here and it’s bloody hot right not. these people need to re-evaluate their definition of summer. sometimes the wheather’s great, other days you wanna run out with a pack of eggs and start frying them on the sidewalk ;p

so niways, classes have started. trinity’s great. the teachers are lots of fun and the lectures are pretty laid back. we get to call our lecturers by their first names! a major no-no in kl huh? but alls good.

my mom left for home yesterday thought i was going to have a mental breakdown, but it’s alright. made a few friends just as psychotic as me and i think i’m starting to settle into melbourne bit by bit.

god i miss everyone at home! my family and friends. it’s amazing what you end up taking for granted. the things you have. the people you have.

but at the end of the day, everyone’s got to grow up. whether you want to or not.

so it’s 2006 already! yay! and as promised my brother and i were at jalan bukit bintang by 10pm. this year’s canister fight was HUGE! they closed the entire street and people were just all out attacking each other. Hafiz and I had 6 canisters each but ended up finishing them in like 5 minutes! it was that bad… it was mental! people were spraying us from all corners… though i think it was so sad the fact they attacked the 9-year-old first! do not underestimate the power of the bratster y’all.

all in all the fight was awesome. everyone was just having a great time. it didn’t really matter who you were or who you’ve been… everyone was just out to have a good time! reminded me of spm now that i think of it ;p didn’t matter how well prepared you were… if you got stuck in it… bye bye ;p

every year, it has become somewhat of a tradition with my family to spend new year’s eve with the fireworks. but two years ago, my brother and i became victims of the ‘new year war’. and trust me… for those of you who do know Hafiz, you’ll agree with me when i say that it is literally impossible to keep him from bouncing off the walls… but he was thrashed that night. seriously!!

for those of you who have no clue as to what i’m rambling about, i’m referring to the bintang walk new year street war! every year, bintang walk in kl is packed with party goers waiting for the new year. countless street vendors walk down the entire strip carrying boxes of bottled snow and party streamers. your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to engage in a battle with anyone who will join you, armed with as much of the cans as possible (keep in mind that the bottled snow is actually foamy shaving cream so you’re likely to get wet). ;p

so this year, Hafiz and i have vowed not to let history repeat itself! therefore, we are taking to bintang walk packing as much cans as possible!!!! god help anyone who comes at us with party streamers ;p

anyone care to join us?

i have fully added all the pics from last friday’s senior prom. feel free to laugh or re-post the pics anywhere you want;p after all… where else will the memories go;p